Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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