He uses pillows to masturbate.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
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It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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