He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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