i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
