I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
