She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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