on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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