It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
