My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
