Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
