Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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