woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
