We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
