Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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