There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
