Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
