a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
