I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
