I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
