You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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