i wish my penis had a tongue
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
