but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
