Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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