Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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