dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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