His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
