Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
