Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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