you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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