I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
