saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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