Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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