She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have aggressive nipples.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
