I got chris browned last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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