Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
