the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
