Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
