So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.