hell yes lets make some ravioli
i think my mom watched the whole time
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.