Apparently you make a good broom.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
