I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
