they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
