I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cut my penus on the lid.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
