But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
