I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
worst night to have a conscience
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Randomize
