Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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