just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
