The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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