I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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