if you like me you must not know who I am
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
