so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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