Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
