Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
