paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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