dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
