apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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