i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
