I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
